You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Randomize
