I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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