well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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