She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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