I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
