If that was your dad, he is hot
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
