i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
