So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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