I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
