Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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