Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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