did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My vagina is officially offended.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
