ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
