I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
