She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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