I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I need to sanitize my soul.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
