There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
