umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
