She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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