My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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