Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
