at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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