hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
