just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
