Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
