Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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