I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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