I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Randomize
