how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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