you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
