He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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