Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
