I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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