just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
