Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
