turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
