i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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