Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
