i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
