coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
