Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
