at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
