i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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