He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
