What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
