The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
