Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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