I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You took a bar mat shot.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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