A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
