So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
